Watching the Tide Roll Away

Dearest Orchid,

I don’t do things with half the intention I pretend; would you believe me if I said that my personal connections philosophy is rooted in a laissez-faire, come what may approach? There was a time when I was young and hell-bent on looking for a significant other, and thus liberally dismissed shitty offers of friendship plus because that wasn’t a role I was casting. But otherwise — take what is given.

Some Rules Of The Game

I am a consummate list-maker. To-do lists, grocery lists, gift lists, reminder lists, lists of things I will never get to but really should. Lists are how I keep track of life. Sometimes they’re written, sometimes they’re in mind only — the latter is a terrible brain exercise that usually becomes a constant guessing game of “What *were* the 5 things I said I’d do this morning…” Keeps me sharp, I suppose.

So, for the sake of introspection, here are some unspoken guidelines that govern my choices in those I surround myself with:

1. Quality over quantity

2. Different folks will likely fulfill different needs

3. Seasons are common in all things, including relationships of all types

In true manageable list fashion, I like to keep quantities low and labels tight. That’s my best friend, she a real bad bitch…This my close friend, I probably only need two or three.

Granted, this orderly way of life got blown the fuck up when my now-husband introduced me to his extensive friend group early in our dateship. Everyone was so nice to one another and highly accepting of me. This was truly a fascinating experience, because I came from a much rowdier, back-stabbier friend background and tended to approach relationships like sparring matches — strengths, weaknesses, and see who stays standing after three 2-minute rounds. Stay close, aim for the head.

That’s not to say I’m not a potentially good friend — I tend to be fiercely loyal and protective, and I believe that being present is key. But, I handled a lot of drama in unhealthy ways and accepted that this was how life goes. So, my compass can be a little off-North.

Pick ‘Em Good

Because lists — here are some unspoken rules for who makes the roster. They should:

1. Inspire genuine curiosity and positive regard

2. Bring kindness and empathy to the table

3. Reciprocate, in at least small ways

I look for the click, the chemistry of aligned interests, complementary humor, shared values, and some je ne sais quoi that leads to lengthy connections. Reader, this shit is rare.

I’ve noticed that how I meet people makes little difference in the outcome of our trajectory — I’ve made lifelong friends through blogging on Xanga, and I have lost people to whom I swore everlasting fealty after years of constant in-person time spent. This is where some unidentifiable but definitely present factors dictate life. Some people stay, and some go, and it’s all probably for the best.

Yes, Another List

Obviously now, some personal tips for how to forge connection:

1. Put in effort

2. Pay attention

3. Assess if you genuinely care

It takes me an inordinate amount of time to quit things and people, and I rarely intentionally cut someone off. Rather, I let nature take its course. As Umberto Eco said, “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.” So, patience pays off in a variety of situations.

Something I heard recently: stop reaching out first, and see how many dead plants you’ve been watering. My list-making brain absolutely appreciates a tit-for-tat approach. But, I have also been the person who rarely reaches out first, while absolutely valuing the connection — so, it turns out life isn’t black or white, surprise!

I am a crisis manager at my core, and I reach out when I find out shit has hit the fan. And when things are seemingly “okay” in others’ lives, I allow myself to enjoy the peace of my own company. This leads to an inevitable ebb-and-flow, which can appear as inconsistency in the wrong light. I prefer to think of it as a natural wave that we all ride — sometimes you’re at the crest, and other times you’re in the trough. But you’re never in any one place for long.

Wait, One More Thing

Since you asked: I would never choose to start over in a new social environment. While I toyed with the idea in my early twenties, in part while considering a career choice that would make moving every 2-3 years inevitable, I knew then as I know now — I am not designed for this type of adventure. I have no desire to pack up and find new soil to put down roots. I don’t actively seek different connections than the ones I have, though I welcome them as they surface (say it with me: take what is given).

So you won’t be getting rid of me anytime soon.

Love,

Aster

P.S. Let’s talk about expectations and how they affect you. How do they surface in your life, and do they cause trouble? Do you find that they are most often related to a specific topic, or are they running wild throughout all aspects of existence? Do you wish you expected less, or are you satisfied with your expectation game? I have high expectations of myself and others, as you know. Something about being an INTJ and an Enneagram 1 really sets the stage. It takes a lot for me to reel in expectations, and often this control is short-lived. I know that my tendencies lead to both my success and my disappointment, so it’s a tough balancing act all around.

[Currently listening to: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by Pentatonix. For an atheist and non-Christian, I do love the Christmas music quite a bit more than expected.]