The Same Night Sky

Dearest Orchid,

I love a good ol’ “if you could change one thing” question, because it implies that simple solutions abound. The reality, too often, has shades of gray coloring everything, and nuance reigns supreme. From a formative age, we’re urged to avoid black and white, absolute thinking, as it limits both our understanding of, and interaction with, this world and its occupants.

But! In an existence of complexity, we also have Occam’s Razor, a concept I first learned about in the homonymous season one episode of House; to quote Foreman: “The simplest explanation is always best.” And while Dr. House himself was skeptical of this approach, I think there’s just a smidge of merit here. Onward!

Let’s Cut to the Chase

My answer to everything is empathy. I am often wrong, especially when it comes to math questions, but I still stick to this. And since humanity’s myriad issues are only minimally numbers-based, adding a solid helping of empathy to all actions and reactions could only improve matters.

Not to be confused with sympathy (where you feel bad for someone, likely when they’re having a hard time), empathy requires us to try on someone else’s perspective for size; the trite expression being “walk in someone else’s shoes.” To do this adequately, we must also tap into our own life experiences, and the accompanying emotions, to bring us closer to understanding where someone else might be in a particular moment. The combination of imagining ourselves in another’s situation, and having the feelings that come with it, allows a connection and awareness that really couldn’t be reached otherwise.

I can’t think of any moment that wouldn’t be better with empathy. But it’s hard. When we feel anger, we often don’t have space to feel anything else. When we’re hurt, it’s nearly impossible to see anyone else’s side but our own. There are so many obstacles to letting empathy lead, which is why it often only follows, if we’re lucky.

If empathy was humans’ effortless default setting, I believe we could be a kinder, more decent society.

Now, An Example

There are so many things I have never had to deal with — thank you, universe — and I hope I never encounter many of the heartbreaking situations I’ve seen folks live through. And that’s one of the hardest bits about explaining empathy, because you have to offer someone else’s pain as a base. Empathy in joy can be easier, and perhaps less relevant to all parties involved. When we truly need empathy is when things are at their fucking worst.

A safer place to start would be in the physical realm. Since senior year in high school, I have had a kidney stone episode every handful of years, usually coinciding with some stressful life event. Some stones have passed comparatively easily, and some have brought me almost unimaginable agony — and I was there, so no imagination necessary. In the common medical literature, kidney stone discomfort is often compared to the pain of labor. I don’t have children, so I cannot speak to the accuracy of this, but I can say that if there’s any similarity whatsoever. Holy. Fucking. Shit. My last stone had me nearly delusional with pain. My body decided to violently throw up while I was trying to find some modicum of relief by taking a hot bath, eliciting valiant attempts to not vomit into the bathtub that was my only refuge in a sea of torture. (If you really want a visual, that meant heaving my body partially over the side of the tub to hurl into a stainless steel basin held by my husband, as I apologized profusely. Repeat, repeat, repeat.)

So, I take that sensory experience, along with some emotional ingredients from other life moments, and I can *get* what it might be like to be in labor. And even if I am 10% correct, I am closer to understanding than I would be without this empathy work.

And the Point?

As with any film, novel, or song that tries to convey feeling and experience, the point is to bring people closer together, to help them see they are not alone, and actually are surrounded by folks who live more similarly than not. And if everyone else is just like us, feels and fears and hopes and dreams as we do, then we owe it to them and to ourselves to show boundless kindness.

When things seem pretty dire, and you look up to marvel at the cold stars twinkling in the inky expanse of space on a cloudless evening, remember that anyone on this planet who takes a moment to gaze upward, just as you did, is looking at the exact same thing as you. We are all under the same night sky.

Love,

Aster

P.S. Let’s talk about something good. What do you think are the ingredients to a fulfilling life? Just like baking a scrumptious dish, what are the salt and chocolate chips, the butter and eggs, the flour and sugar of a life worth living? (I think I’m making chocolate chip cookies here.) I’m a conceptual person, so big picture, I think you need to know yourself, find people who *get* you, and do things that feel right to you, that align with who you want to be in this world. But I might be a few staples short here.

[Currently listening to: ABBA Gold - Greatest Hits Album. So much meaning in these lyrics, I promise!]