Sorry to Disappoint

Dearest Aster,

So, all of this week, I’ve been thinking about the question of what I would do if I knew my life was coming to an end sooner than natural. The interesting thing about this conundrum is that my answer really varies based on the amount of time I believe to have remaining. Your original question gave me ‘a few years’ — that’s a LOT. Trying to really engage with this possibility and come up with something true actually made me have an awesomely feel-good realization: there is really not much that I would want to change in that time.

You (and everyone else to whom I’ve been gushing about my newly found lifestyle in the past few months) know this — I sort of adore my life right now. Like, I have multiple specific moments every day when I conscientiously stop and think to myself, “wow, I’m fucking happy.” (For those just joining, I transitioned out of teaching high school into the world of freelance writing this past June.) So, the whole time I’ve been considering this week’s question, I was struggling to come up with something authentic or interesting because if I still have a few years, then I wouldn’t change anything.

I Know This Sounds Boring

There is nothing particularly exciting about the tiny simple joys of which my life is currently made up. I love waking up without an alarm clock, not feeling compelled to get out of bed until my purr machine decides to get off my chest. I love that when I do decide to get out of bed, I get into some fluffy socks and a flannel button-up, all the while flipping off my bra and underwear drawer. I love being able to leisurely make breakfast for me and my partner. I love bringing him tea and kissing the top of his head while he works in our home office. I love the fact that I now have the time and energy to give more attention to my family and friends. I love that I feel confident in my skill set ensuring financial stability in my life. I love that I am truly in control of what I do and when I do it. I love that I get to help people achieve their goals, and that I feel immediately appreciated for my services. #freelancelife

You see, when people ask the question of what would someone do if they knew they have X amount of time to live, I think they expect an answer involving some sort of drastic, dramatic change. Quit a job and go travel the world. Leave your spouse and go after the one that got away. Go skydiving. Buy a panda. All of that can be the right thing to do, but it sort of implies that when you know you don’t have much time left, you want to spend it being happy, or at least doing everything you haven’t dared to in order to be happy. And I resent that notion. I say, be happy now — don’t wait for the diagnosis. It’s idealistic, I know. But it’s something to strive for.

I love the fact that the life I lead right now is not one that I would want to change if I knew it was soon to be over. I would continue enjoying it because this truly is the best version of life for me right now. It might change in the future, but I do hope that whatever it changes to simply becomes the thing that will be perfect for my future self.

However, To Get Off the Freelancing Soapbox and Satisfy the Query...

I imagine that I would want to recreate some of my favorite life’s moments with some of my favorite humans.

I would spend a full week with my parents. We would go camping somewhere in the mountains — just the three of us. We would live in a small tent, we would wake up at the crack of dawn to the sounds of birds, shivering against the night’s chill. We would hike along mountain creeks, and drink the ice cold water, and eat wild raspberries. My dad would play his tiny old guitar, and we would sing all of our favorite songs off key. My mom would make potatoes in the ashes of our fire, and we would burn our mouths on the crispy burnt skin.

I would spend a full week with my other parents — the ones that made my better half. We would travel to a tropical beach, and spend our days lounging on the white sand. We would snorkel in the crystal clear waves, and paddle board along beautiful cliffs, and watch the sun set over the horizon. We would grill lobsters and sip rum out of coconuts. Our mom and dad would tell us hilarious stories of their lives, and we would laugh and laugh and laugh.

I would spend a full week with you, my Aster — boys not allowed. We would pack some sandwiches in a cooler, and we would drive somewhere wonderful; it actually does not matter where, as long as I’m with you. Wherever it is, we would get caught in a terrifyingly exciting thunderstorm on the way there. And when we got there, we would find some horses to ride, and we would canter across fields (and definitely keep our heels down). We would stay up all night, talking and burning sugar cubes over absinthe, and we would watch all the movies whose lines we know by heart.

There are other wonderful humans that I would want to spend time with and recreate precious memories, but there is one particularly special one that I cannot forget about — me. I would hop on a plane to Naples, Italy. All by myself. I would stay at a cheap little hostel, probably sharing a room with a fellow traveler or two. I would lose the map of the city and wander around aimlessly, savoring every chipped cobblestone, every sock on a clothesline, every obnoxious pigeon. I would find a cafe with a view of the sea, and eat a bowl of pasta di frutti di mare, and drink a carafe of delicious house wine. I would book a ticket on a rickety old bus to take me halfway up Vesuvius, and I would hike the rest of the way up to the top, and I would look down into the depths of the volcano, and I would feel extraordinarily alive.

My hope is that when doomsday comes, I will go into the great beyond profoundly in love with the life that I’ve led, but also excited to see what the next adventure brings.

Love,

Orchid

P.S. So, l have been a bit frustrated with the state of the world of late. (Understatement of the year.) More specifically, I am referring to the instances of disagreement and disharmony among humans — both in cyberspace and the real world. It seems that conflict is everywhere, and honestly, it’s exhausting. I understand that we can’t all just get along and agree on everything, but must it all be so abrasive? Anyhooms, that’s not the question I am asking you. My question is this: if you could magically change ONE thing about human nature in order to make society function better, what would it be? This can be a switch in cognition, psychology, mindset — whatever. It doesn’t have to be related to the frustrations I described above, or it can be. Basically, I’ve been catching myself wondering why we, humans, are the way we are quite a lot lately.

[Currently listening to Beirut’s “Postcards From Italy.” What is it about brass that makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest, turn it inside out, sprinkle it with paprika, and roast it over an open flame with some lemon juice and sage?]