Quality Coping Cocktail

Dearest Orchid,

You know that phrase — do as I say, not as I do? I find that it often applies when discussing best mental health practices. While one may know quite well the tactics that serve one best (or better) in a tough moment, the general shittiness of the situation often makes these approaches seem both overly hard to do and terribly ineffective. Of course, no one said depressed thinking should win any logic awards.

Reader, if there’s any uncertainty about what could possibly feel heavy, awful, and massively distracting at this time, I’ll just do a brief, inexhaustive recap:

1. War in Ukraine (instigated by Russia, with massive consequences)

2. Threat of Roe v. Wade getting overturned and abortion becoming inaccessible or outright banned in approximately half of the U.S. (instigated by SCOTUS, but only at this exact moment — this has been a long time coming, which is in itself terrible to behold)

3. And all of the other heartbreaking things that just keep happening in the world, whether we’re paying attention or not

Truthfully, you can’t feel everything. If you did, you’d never get out of bed. And then you wouldn’t help where you could, even just a little bit.

That’s not to say that caring about even one thing is an easy load to carry, with no overt effects. There is no wrong or right way to take on the heavy emotions that accompany the weight of the world. Some folks will be paralyzed by the enormity of one thing they feel very deeply, and some folks will float, feeling several things just a bit, but dragged down by none of them. All of these experiences are valid.

Do As I Say…

What the better adjusted me in an alternative universe is doing:

1. Giving myself a break — time away from thinking about all that I’m dealing with. Do you ever just have a few moments where you forget all of the things you’re responsible for, that you carry around like a disappointing version of Santa Claus’s sack of toys? That’s an actual break.

2. Doing something just for myself, daily — a thing that benefits only my wellbeing, such as yoga, meditation, or mindful breathing. Less feel-good, more actual good.

3. Accepting that I’ll do less than I wanted — sitting with this, not fighting it. Actual acceptance versus its evil twin, nod and smile while screaming on the inside.

4. Welcoming doing at least a little bit — appreciating the small wins, the things that did get done.

5. Sharing my burdens with others — finding respite in other people and their perspectives.

…Not As I Do

What I’m actually doing, when I forget to be well-adjusted:

1. Watching copious amounts of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation to “distract” while doom scrolling — something about the systemic solving of terrible things makes me feel more in control.

2. Listening to audiobooks before promptly switching to current events podcasts, because a lot of the time, things that aren't related to this particular shitty moment in time feel completely irrelevant.

3. Feeling helpless in the face of tragedy and succumbing to moments of deep sadness and hopelessness, often on a daily basis.

4. Expecting that I should definitely be doing more than I am, while trying to actively accept that I have limits, especially during this time.

5. Struggling to find common ground with those around me, when all I want to talk about are shitty current events.

It’s going great. I suppose it’s up for debate if what I’m doing lately is coping. Spoiler: some folks don’t think I am. But if we all maintained an unaffected demeanor in the face of terrible things, we’d likely be robots. This doesn’t go super well in The Stepford Wives or the Terminator films, and I’m thankful to be human, despite the emotional baggage.

Then, And Now

Years ago, I used to drive to get the nervous energy out. Usually, my internal compass directed me to the lake. I’d park by my old university, clamber onto the hood of my car, and stare out at the water, marveling at its constancy and vastness. Then, the calm moment would be shattered as Northwestern PD would roll past, wondering what I was doing here, and I’d be on my way to the next touchpoint (usually, coffee at way too late o'clock).

Nowadays, I just drive around the suburbs on errands, blasting music way too loudly, to drown out even the most stubborn of thoughts.

In all seriousness, I’m a big fan of vices. The kinds that don’t really hurt the doer or other people, as long as they’re done in moderation. People need to let off steam, and it won’t always be via “healthy” habits, such as exercising or engaging in heavy, wall-destroying remodeling. So find your not-terrible vice and mix it in with your better-adjusted habits, for a quality coping cocktail.

Love,

Aster

P.S. What’s the worst bit of advice you’ve ever received, and what made it so terrible? How did it make you feel? What impact did it have on you?

In recent memory, someone told me that to overcome my current shitty feelings, I should “just do something, anything, the first thing in front of you, as long as it’s for some sort of material gain.” Reasons it rubbed me the wrong way (and there are several): this implies that the only things worth doing are ones that are somehow funded; this indicates that whatever I am doing now is worthless (don’t worry, reader, the advice-giver didn’t delve into my current activities or actions, hence the off-the-mark advice); this suggests that instead of being thoughtful and purposeful in my decision-making, I should just make choices at random. Not only did this advice completely not align with my values, but it also minimized whatever I’m feeling at the moment. Overly simplistic solutions tend to have that effect.

As to what I took away from this: a big note to self to be more careful when I give folks unsolicited advice.

[Currently listening to: Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac. It just fills me with joy, and it’s great to sing along to like no one’s listening.]