If You Really Wanna Win, You Can Totally Sin

Dearest Orchid,

Ah, fairness. What a concept. Has there ever been a more fantastical notion? Appears liberally in books and films, and yet ever so fleetingly in actual life.

Here’s the thing: fairness is subjective; it’s a matter of perspective. Often, when we’re the ones receiving the benefit, everything appears awfully fair. And when events are going awry, then shit’s unfair.

In the case of this well-known phrase, it’s an excuse. We’re taking the Machiavellian approach — the end justifies the means — when we determine that winning at love or war by hook or by crook is A-okay. Since we’re all living in modern society, we know better. Or we should.

Will This Whole Thing Be Littered With Rhymes?

I don't know, reader, it’s just flowing this way today. Some days are punny, some are funny, and others are rhymey. Don’t hate, appreciate.

Now, An Example:

When I was younger (all my stories begin this way), I was pretty damn enamored of a guy. And when things fell apart, I did what many a discarded woman does: I began scheming about how I would get this person back. In doing so, I absolutely disregarded three things: his free will; what’s best for me; and all the red flags along the way.

I was so busy plotting, while trying to appear aloof and absolutely unconcerned, that I failed to care about anything else. I was so certain that this was the person for me, so I didn’t take a single moment to consider, why might he have left? And by ignoring reality, I never thought for a moment that he should stay gone.

Our conviction that love allows us to behave badly, violating rules that normally stand strong, blinds us to everything else along the way. And the fact that this idea keeps getting confirmed by the media we consume exacerbates the issue. Instead of diving into ourselves to consider our own needs and deeply contemplating if what we’re seeking is really meant for us, we begin the fruitless campaign of conquering a heart that has no business being captured.

Perhaps It’s The Folly Of Youth?

In the case of my aforementioned failed crusade, it was a combination of utter persuasion, the source of which is still unclear, and the type of recklessness with self and others that stems from immaturity. This does not say much for using any means necessary for winning at love and war, does it?

In these instances, we are so blinded by passion that we cannot see beyond our immediate desire to have something, at any cost. Such unbridled drive does not lend itself to measured thinking and logical reasoning, even when strategizing and planning appear to be at the center of the process. If your dominant theme is corrupt, anything that flows from it will also be tainted.

And If You Really Want To Know What Happened…

It was a time of formative heartbreak for me — all my planning came to naught, only extending the timeline for healing. And here’s the best part: what I wanted at that time was never for me. Yet without that lengthy lesson, I would never have learned what was for me. I think in some circles, we call this growth.

Also, the intertwining of love and war happens so often that I get why we might be confused regarding how healthy navigation of relationships looks. Consider: there are songs, such as “Kak Na Voine” by Agata Kristi (imperfectly translated lyrics from Russian here). Enemies-to-lovers is a common and beloved trope in romance (book and film, alike). All of these examples might lead one to believe that this is normal and how things go. A bit of a disservice, sadly.

So, perhaps the phrase should be, all might seem fair in love and war, until you learn better.

Love, Aster

P.S. Tell me about a book, film, or piece of music, or several, that has stayed with you over the years — stood the test of time, if you will. Maybe it’s a favorite, or perhaps it’s just that memorable. When do you think about it (or them), and what does that do for you? How did you first come across the piece(s), and how often do you revisit?

For me, I have one of each, and I discovered them young. Book(s): The Song of the Lioness quartet by Tamora Pierce, which traces the main character’s life from girlhood to adulthood with such thoughtfulness and detail that it always feels relevant. Film: Practical Magic, which I feel gets better with every rewatch. Music: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (Music From The Motion Picture), which likely sparked my love of soundtracks.

[Currently listening to: The Pirate’s Gospel by Alela Diane. Makes me want to adventure on the high seas with a bit of rum, yo ho ho.]