Here a Nom, There a Nom, and Another Little Nom

Dearest Aster,

It’s interesting that your query uses the baking ingredients metaphor to explain the collective concept of a fulfilling life. You see, speaking from some pretty extensive amateur cooking experience, ingredients are never the things that define the whole product, and the dish never depends on consistent ingredients. In fact, there are recipes whose ingredient makeup varies based on season and geographical location. With today’s widespread issues of food sensitivity, there are multiple substitute versions of key ingredients that yield the same, if not an improved result. Etc. My point is that it’s not the ingredients themselves that make a dish great, and it’s not specific aspects of life that make a life fulfilling. To me, it’s the intention behind those ingredients or aspects — what do you want to accomplish? What flavors and feelings do you want to infuse your culinary creation or existence with?

Where Do You See Yourself in Ten Years?

I hate that question. I used to ask my kids that question all the time when I taught high school. I used to make them cut out magazine clippings, and paste them on a board, and tell the class about their dream futures. The point, of course, was to build classroom community, get to know each other, and encourage my students to dream and strive for something great. All good things. Except that I would usually end up with a whole bunch of very standard submissions, featuring a fancy car logo, a photo of a celebrity mansion, a photo of a celebrity spouse to marry (lots of Biebers and Swifts), and a representation of some very generic career: doctor! lawyer! pro-athlete! cop! and, my personal favorite, business owner (what type of business? doesn’t matter.)! Some kids would also include a photo of their family, a religious symbol, or a desired travel destination.

There is nothing wrong with dreaming about and planning for the things you want to have in your life, and there is certainly nothing wrong with craving stability, security, and prosperity. But I think that our society has set up a structure of expectations that implies that we should have our goals and dreams figured out early on, and that we should work all our lives towards achieving those goals and dreams. We invest in long, arduous, and expensive schooling; we try to put money into retirement accounts that we won’t have access to until we’re in our sixties; we commit to people to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live. Again, there is nothing wrong with long-term investments, and I am not shitting on traditional marriage, fiscal responsibility, or higher education here. But I am saying that more often than not, the person that decides to commit to something that is supposed to bring fulfillment is not the same person who will be around to benefit from the result because of how much we change and evolve throughout our lives.

Let’s Continue With the Metaphor…

Essentially, I see most people approach life in a way that is similar to a chef gathering ingredients for a fancy meal they plan on cooking for a dinner party. (Can you tell I’m in the pre-Turkey Day mode of thinking?) They go to a grocery store and browse the existing offerings, checking their recipe list, making sure they get the right amount of each ingredient, doing mental math to adjust the recipe to the number of people they are serving, poking and sniffing everything for quality and freshness. They get to the register and realize that the total price of this extravagant meal is much higher than they originally intended, but hey — it’s worth it because the guests will be happy, and there are always leftovers you can use to meal-prep for the week, right? They get home and load everything into the fridge, and heaven help the poor sod that makes the mistake of prematurely sampling that white cheddar intended for the walnut cranberry spinach salad.

Then, on the day of the gathering, they wake up early and they plan out their cooking adventure, and they measure out the ingredients and do all the prep work, and they work diligently to make sure that everything is timed just right to be hot and fresh when the guests are ready to sit down. They put on all the Thanksgiving episodes of “Friends” to have some entertainment in the background, and they drink a little too much wine throughout the day because what is a day of cooking without wine? (Yes, I have veered off into personal story time. Anyhooms, back to the metaphor.) By the time it’s time to eat, the cook is, at best, too happily exhausted or, at worst, worn out by the stress to actually be hungry and enjoy the meal. So, they just pick at the fruit of their labor, tasting to make sure it’s what they hoped for and looking around for signs of appreciation from the guests.

Was it all worth it in the end? Yes, probably. Is this the only way? No.

Now, imagine a person walking down a forest path, coming across an apple tree or spotting a wild mushroom. Or perhaps they make their way through a farmer’s market, weaving between kiosks with bite-size grilled cheeses, artisanal olive oils, and home-cured meats. Or think of a Costco on a Saturday — have you ever successfully made it all the way through the maze without succumbing to sampling that frozen sausage pizza that comes in boxes of three at $9.99?

See, in these scenarios of food consumption, the person is completely present in the moment, following their instincts and impulses, and eating what they want when they want to eat it. They are still bound by availability, or lack thereof, but they are not limited by their own planning or other people’s expectations. To me, this is a more accurate metaphor of a fulfilling life than the process of preparing a meal.

This gatherer approach might not yield a more nutritious meal, and it certainly lacks the guarantee that (somewhat) comes with preparation, but there is something so delectable about it. A gatherer does not ask, “what does my life need to consist of to be fulfilling?” but rather, “how can I enjoy what is already in front of me, and where do I want to wander next?”

Love,

Your Orchid

P.S. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for? JUST KIDDING. I wouldn’t do that to you. That’s just a recipe (pun intended) for a boring and cliche post. Let’s talk about the discrepancies between public narratives and reality. Please enjoy this scene from our beloved “Addams Family Values” for a perfectly relevant example of what I am referring to. In your opinion, what is the most damaging constructed narrative that is at odds with historical truth, if there is such a thing? Alternatively and more simply, what is the biggest lie people tell themselves? You can tackle this question from the politico-historical or the psychological angle — whatever floats your gravy boat!

[Currently listening to: Amy Macdonald’s “This Is The Life.” Cuz not knowing “where you’re gonna sleep tonight” is pretty much the mantra of the gatherer approach to life.]