Boom, Boom, Clap!

Dear Aster,

So, when I first saw your question, I had a bit of a grrr moment, feeling like, “Really? You’re going to make me talk about my attention-seeking tendencies again?” I feel like that crazy horse has already been killed and beaten in at least a couple of my previous blogs. Needless to say, my obnoxiousness is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of my less admirable qualities. And I certainly recognize it more whenever I see another person — usually one of them ‘youts’ — act in a way that demands attention for the sake of feeling like the center of the world.

However, I challenged myself to dig deeper and find some other unsavory trait that I see in other people and, consequently, myself. I found one — you ready? You’re going to like this one. It’s my adamant contrarianism. That’s right, you’re familiar.

The Fight is Fuel and Fire

Remember the scene in our favorite “The Wedding Date,” when Nick comes back to reconcile with Kat, and says the swoon-worthy line: “I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else?” Well, it’s adorable in that context, and everything, but I have found that this sentiment sometimes manifests in me in a very dark way.

Every now and then, I feel an indescribable urge to argue. To poke, and, prod, and enrage, and pummel. This urge lands on the first thing that moves, which, unfortunately, is most usually my significant other. Now, most times when I get in a fight organically and for a valid reason, I come out feeling drained and sad. Sometimes angry, if the fight is unresolved. You know, the normal post-fight emotions. But, whenever I feel that weird urge to pick a fight and run away screaming, that is when I find myself coming out of it with a feeling of elation and lightness, like a weight has been lifted (or perhaps transferred to the unfortunate victim of my wrath.) It sucks, and I really hate this about myself. I feel guilty afterwards, but not before feeling genuinely exhilarated, almost high. (I swear, if my better half does not get a fucking medal for putting up with some of my crap in the afterlife, I’m following him into the dark and throwing him an eternal party. The man is a saint. Most of the time.)

Where Else Have I Seen This?

The age of the internet has really done a number on humanity. People sit there, shielded by their screens and avatars, feeling empowered and free to say and do whatever the fuck their id commands. And if you visit the comment section of any even mildly political post, you’ll see the incessant arguing, complete with dirty rhetorical strategies, and hurtful jabs. Whenever I stumble across some of this icky stuff, I always get the feeling that these people — the trolls, the ignorant, the lonely, whatever — somehow get off on the argument itself. They don’t even try to win, it seems. They enjoy the back and forth, the game play, the bitter repartee. When someone chooses the high road and bows out on principle, the arguers get even angrier, their insults sink to new lows. They want to fight. They feel that battle elation I sometimes notice in myself.

The U.S. political climate of the past six years hasn’t helped the matter one bit, and I certainly see this during in-person situations, as well. As you well know, I have some very close people in my life, whom I adore and revere, who have held very opposing opinions to my own. And in my conversations with them, I have often noticed that both parties tend to contradict their own previous statements to get ahead in a present argument. We get a high from the argument itself, unwilling to let it go, determined to scream and pound our perceived truth into our opponent. In that moment, the argument trumps both its content and the relationship between its participants, unfortunately.

The Great and Terrible Softening

How can I not talk about the now? It is everywhere, oozing out of every pore and polluting every thought. (There has not been a single show or movie I have watched since February 24th that has not seemed like a cruel metaphor for everything that is going on, including “Turning Red,” the adorable red panda movie about a girl going through puberty. Highly recommend, beeteedubs.)

Here is an interesting thing that happened to my contrarian tendencies in the past month. The people who may sometimes have a different take on current events, with whom I have spoken, tend to also be people that truly, painfully care — because they are truly and oh-so-painfully involved in the chaos in some way or another. And no matter what, no matter how much I might disagree with what comes out of their mouth, I have not felt the tiniest urge to don the battle armor. (There is enough of that in the world right now.)

All I have an urge to do, regardless of how much I agree or disagree with someone I’m speaking with about the now, is to hold them and try to make it better. Somehow, anyhow. I can’t, of course. I can listen without interrupting. I can be silent when I would normally present an opposing point. I can feel their pain and cry with them, even if I don’t fully understand their position. Because I love them. Or they’re a human in pain. Or both.

In the great sorrow and despair that has defined the past month of our lives, there has been a certain quieting that I appreciate. I hope it stays. I like me this way more.

Love always,

Your Orchid

P.S: What do you believe happens after we die? I know you’ve had a pretty impactful journey through and out of religion, so I’m not really asking about thoughts on traditional dogma, unless they are personally relevant. Most simply — what do you imagine happens to us when we are no more?

Personally, I love the idea of reincarnation. I think it’s the whole second chances and more diverse life experience aspect. I don’t really care for the whole “you were a shithead in your previous life, so you’re reborn as a dung beetle thing,” but I love the idea of being reborn in another body and trying it all again. I love the idea of, perhaps, meeting people whom you knew in a different life, etc. But truthfully, what I believe is much more simple than that; I think it all just turns dark, and we rest. Hopefully with someone we love at our side.

[Currently listening to: “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab For Cutie. Because if now is not the time to be emo, when is? I’ve also always adored this song. It doesn’t feel depressing to me. It feels uplifting and comforting.]